London vs. Ottawa - I just got back from London (UK) and I am torn. I am 100% a BIG city girl. I grew up in the best city in the world; a city that truly never sleeps, where the lights and energy are always on, and which changes drastically every time I head back - Hong Kong. In three years who new areas emerge, links on the transit system appear on the subway maps and the system for crossing the boarder to China has changed drastically and yet it feels like home as soon as the airplane touches down. My heart has always been in Hong Kong and I probably will never be content until I can spend more than a week there. I live my life with "no regrets" and yet not returning to live in Hong Kong could be my one regret.

London is pretty fantastic too. I have not been there in over three years and yet I still knew my way around the core, I understood the rhythm of the city and the pace of life. Heading to a short play last minute after work, followed by a search for somewhere quiet in Soho for dinner at 9pm on a weeknight; perfectly normal. Walking in the rain, stopping for coffee, dodging taxis and buses along The Strand, just part of the fun. Sure, my knowledge of London is as someone experiencing the city in short bursts, but it reminds me of my true-love lost; Hong Kong. I miss real cities. (Sorry Ottawa, but you are only a large town ... a great town, but still just a town). I need the bustle and variety, I need people ... and underground public transport. I need shops and small little backstreet markets, I need dirt, grit and the under-belly. It makes me feel alive.

Now I am back in Ottawa. I love this city too ... while I miss the hustle and bustle of activity at any time of the day, the ability to slow down, relax and seek nature easily here in Canada's Capital speaks to me and makes me smile - I am eager for the winter and all the wonderful things I can do (none of which would be possible in Hong Kong or London). But I miss the ability to speak to people who have "real" jobs out in the "real" world, no gov-speak; and yet I couldn't think of anything I would rather do that be a public servant for the Government of Canada.

What to do? Where to go? Is it possible to live in London (or Hong Kong) and still spend as much time playing outside in the snow, or hiking? Can I make a difference and contribute for the larger good of Canadians while not living in Ottawa? The choices are endless and the lure of the unknown is great and yet part of me is comfy just hanging here in my house and making my up the civil service ladder. The golden handcuffs are too hard to shake and the possibilities with the public service are endless ... and yet I am starting to feel boxed in - like this is it and my skills might no longer transfer to the world outside.

I feel change brewing on the horizon. I just need to figure out what is really holding me back.