Fighting for what I deserve

I have made it clear ... I do not do new years resolutions. I believe that if something bothers you, you should be proactive and change it - not waiting for some artificial day on a calendar to start working on a "better" you. However this year, my epiphany happens to coincide with the change from 2011 to 2012, so it might be a little like a resolution, but I think it goes deeper than that.

I walk home a lot. And today, despite the -17C (-21C with the windchill) I walked home. I needed the time and quiet to think. To contemplate everything that has gone right and wrong this year and evaluate where I am, or where I am not. I thought I would be somewhere else by this time ... I am not sure where that was, but I am pretty sure it wasn't here. And yet I am here. I have been lulled into the easiness of this life and I have been complacent.

Emotions are a positive thing. They allow you to feel alive, even if they are emotions like sadness, anger or fear. I have been afraid of feeling, emotions are a sign of weakness, they show you care - and therefore that you are vulnerable and can be hurt. So I don't show emotions, I prefer to work it out in private and conquer them. By hiding my emotions, I have been going through the motions instead of feeling life, letting life happen to me.

By hiding, it easy to pretend that you have everything you want. But there are things I want and I don't fight for them. If I believe I deserve them then I need to make it known. I need to let people know I care and that not getting them hurts, that I do feel. That doesn't mean whining and holding a grudge when you don't get what you want. I does mean fighting for what is mine.

When I joined the public service, I heard a lot of long-term employees complaining that they had hit a wall because they didn't speak French. They were not doing anything about, they were whining. And recently I have found myself whining as well. I have become "one of them". Part of the reason is because I feel like I have been dealt the short end of the stick, but I suppose the truth is part of me is scared. Scared of trying and not succeeding, of making an effort, of having people put their faith in me and me being a failure! Not speaking French for me is the ultimate indicator that I am stupid. I need to make this a priority and I need to embrace the fear. I need to fight for French. But I am not sure I know how to fight.

In high school, university, grad-school, things came easily. I never had to fight for anything. And to a certain extent, I have been very lucky with a lot in life and it has come easily; a great job, fantastic friends, a nice house, the perfect cat. The few time when things got out of hand, there were people to show me an easier way. I have made a career of figuring out how to do things, quicker, cleaner, better - easier! Life is good ...

... but there is more. I deserve more. I deserve to be able to share all of this with someone. I have never chosen to be alone, it has been where my apathetic life has taken me. I have not fought. I have not stood up and told that special someone that they are what I want, what I deserve, and that they would be dam lucky to have me. It is time for me to fight for me. For me to stand up and say that this is what I want. It is time to stop being afraid of being rejected and the emotions that come with it (because the emotions are better than nothing) and it is time to take control for my sake.

I am going to learn to fight. I am going to start fighting. I am going to start feeling again.